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Friday, October 28, 2011

White knights - the disempowering fairy tale.

I can't tell you how I have longed over the years to learn how to feel better about who I am.  And I have always wanted someone to rescue me - from myself and my self loathing and self criticism. (and other self destructive behaviours)

I have taken many courses in my quest to find my holy grail.  (self esteem) I have achieved many great things.  But at the end of the day - it has never been enough.  I also know it does not matter what others think of me - if I do not feel good about who I am - in my mind what people say, truth or not, is simply flattery.

This year, however,  I came to understand that self esteem grows when I accomplish things I never thought I could - when I have been pushed to the edge and instead of waiting for the white knight to appear - I have rescued myself.

(let me be clear here - as a former police officer - I am a problem solver and relish in rescuing others - so it not that I am incapable)

My first real personal accomplishment this year came when I drove 3,000 km across the country - all on my own in an older car.  Before I left on the trip - I had been very concerned and wondered if I could do it.  After 2 1/2 days - arriving at my destination - I chuckled at all the circumstances I imagined were going to happen - none of which did!

A week later I had a trailer hitch put on my car. (for reasons I will reveal at another time) 140 km, and 24 hours later, I discovered why driving home the car seemed to be getting a lot of rock noise under the car.  And so I got on my hands and knees and looked under the car.

Dangling from the car was a 3 foot length of wire - that was dragging on the ground as I drove.  After getting over the anger that the company that installed the hitch had not done a very good job - I called trying to get someone to come fix the problem.

After being transferred to 4 departments and with still no commitment on WHO would attend to fix the issue - I decided to see if I could figure out what was going on.  I lifted the hood and also looked in the trunk to see if I could find out where the wire came from and where it went to.

After about ten minutes and 2 band-aids later, the wire had been tightened, rolled up and secured and the car was now driveable.  Imagine the self esteem boost when I realized I did not have to be rescued.  (I am definitely not very knowledgeable about cars!)

Later the same day, my RV grey tank became too full to drain the dish water.  I took a deep breath, and decided to learn how to empty the grey tank.  Then I did it - oh boy - I pulled the wrong lever.   I emptied the black tank instead by accident!  What I wanted to do was berate myself and then sit down and cry until somebody who knew what to do next would rescue me.  ( I mean really - how unproductive is that!)

Instead - I took a few minutes to breathe - began looking at levers - and figured things out.  I did a full system flush and cleaned the whole system out - without any help from anyone. (anyone ho has seen the movie RV - will get a chuckle out of this story)

All of these tasks were likely close to 'last' on the things I wanted to learn how to do in my life.  And definitely not items on my 'bucket list'.

However they all served as very valuable lessons to me.  If problems I really did not want to deal with ( and would do ANYTHING at all to get someone else to do) could be solved with my own ingenuity - then truthfully I could do anything.

That knowledge and understanding helped me to understand how valuable I was.  I really was the most important person in my own life.  I came through when I needed me.

All the self esteem courses in the world could never replace the silent celebration I had after I realized that I really could do anything I set my mind to.  More importantly I realized that although it is nice to have a white knight show up to rescue me from unpleasant situations, it is far more satisfying when I rescue myself.

Here are a few other lessons I learned:
  • Just because it is not my job - it does not mean I won't have to do it.
  • Self esteem is a gift we give ourselves.  It cannot be given to us through courses or kind words.  It is something we have to fashion to fit us - and only we know the dimensions!
  • Waiting to be rescued is a waste of precious time and disempowering.
  • White Knights can be high maintenance :)   (And that is another, much longer story)